Nickoshi

Blows off the dust

Nickoshi — Tue, 13 Sep 2011 10:23:18 +0000

ya ya ya, i have been ignoring my blog… not because I want to ignore it but because I have been uninteresting lately, and boring everyone is not on my high priority list.

okay so lets see, I cut my hair super short, i hate it. so yesterday I went and had some blonde streaks put into the bangs to make it look less boyish and well…plain. i like my hair once again, yey, go me… uh ya.

last time I blogged i mentioned surviving WLS, im still doing that… i have lost about 55 pounds so far which is good but not as good as most people do, im going to blame the soda drinking and the chugging of beer… so I made a food journal and im going to be writing down everything I eat and drink then scrutinizing what I can do to get my weight loss on track (most likely getting rid of the beer, limiting the soda and drinking more water) so now that I have a plan of attack I need to actually get one other thing in motion…. excersise, that one however could be a pipe dream, I hate walking, I cant stand sweating, and when my heart rate gets up I feel like im going to keel over so i may just stick to weight training on my bowflex lol.

anywho, thats about it for now, its late and I really need to get more sleep so i can take my son to school on time in the morning (he is now in kindergarten)

-Nicko

I survived

Nickoshi — Wed, 04 May 2011 00:10:18 +0000

On april 29th I went into surgery for Gastric Bypass and things went well. While having my gastric bypass done they also did a liver biopsy and I will find out the results on the 6th when I see my surgeon again. I stayed in the hospital for two days but had the option of staying a third day but I missed my family, so I came home. I have had some pain and general soreness but I have been doing pretty good. I have been getting in most of my fluids and trying to take it easy but I am already sick of broth and jello… I just want some real food because I still have hunger pains and they don’t want to go away. Anywho just a quick update.

-Nicko

In a week

Nickoshi — Thu, 21 Apr 2011 05:47:59 +0000

I will be undergoing surgery in a week’s time (as long as this nasty cold goes away).

Having been through the most annoying slew of tests, dieting, psychiatric turmoil and sheer frustration with my insurance I have finally reached a point where I can say im ready for Gastric Bypass (not really) so, let the stomach stapling begin!

In all honesty this is something I have been thinking about for years and I remember researching it back in 1995 when I was a teenager, because even then I knew I needed help. I never thought that I would actually get this surgery done because seriously I am not a fan of pain or being denied pizza… but here I am.

I’m scared out of my mind but feel this is my best and last option, so on the 29th if all goes well I will have a stomach the size of a thumb and I will be on my way to being a healthier, happier me.

wish me luck

-Nicko

Vlog: 2/24/11

Nickoshi — Fri, 25 Feb 2011 01:46:17 +0000

Moody

Nickoshi — Sun, 13 Feb 2011 10:13:18 +0000

I have been so moody lately and I think it is because of the amount of things I am either dealing with or not dealing with in some cases. I have finished my 6 month diet to qualify for weight loss surgery and they have submitted the paperwork to the insurance and they said I should hear back in about two weeks. I am so scared there going to say no. I need this and I think if they say no I will probably just give up because I feel trapped inside my own body. I am still struggling with the death of my father and while everyone is asleep at my house I hide in my closet and cry, I feel like I was robbed and wronged in so many ways that I can barely even function when I think of him or his mother, I would call her my grandmother but I don’t think I have it in me anymore to even let her in my heart, I am done being made to feel not good enough. I am so sick of being sad and crushed emotionally that I fear I might be damaged beyond repair… No one should have to feel like this.

on top of everything, I am so sore right now it is terrible… I fell down a flight of stairs in my house and landed on my back which sucks because my back and hips were already messed up so now its even worse.

anyways that is basically all I can muster up to talk about right now. I need to get some sleep.

-Nicko.

I wish life were like a box of chocolates.

Nickoshi — Thu, 30 Sep 2010 06:32:22 +0000

I havent said much about anything lately, not because I have nothing to talk about or have been bored or anything… but the big “P” word keep’s sneaking up on me and forestall my efforts to write. The “P” word I’m talking about is Procrastination, oh yes, serious procrastination, but here I am trying to foible the “P” word and regain a little gumption. So lets see, whats new?

I am still going forward with my plans to have weight loss surgery but it is not something that is on my mind that much because there really is no set date when it will take place because it is a long process. So far I have had my psych evaluation, EKG, blood work and am still on my pre op diet, next I just have to go to a nutritionist which is set for December 1st and from there it should be fairly close to done.

Family life has it’s up’s and downs but lately it has been decidedly down because I am the caretaker for my mother in law who is a brittle diabetic with a christmas list of ailments I cannot keep track of, this of course adds stress to daily life which can sometimes seem like too much and often times IS to much but I take each day as it comes.

My four-year old son has been in preschool for about a month and a half now which is exciting because I can see a change in him that is encouraging, he loves books now and has other children his age to play with while he learns new and interesting things… oh and he brings me home little things he makes at school daily

As for my 19 month old daughter, she is entering that phase of whining and crying at the drop of a hat… drama queen to the max, but she is my cutie pie, gotta love her even when she is throwing herself on the floor screaming because I wont give her my soda (sorry, no soda fer joo!)

I just turned 30… like, today. How odd, I don’t feel 30 and I don’t think I look 30, or maybe that is just wishful thinking, anywho, its bed time, time to cut this short.

That’s all for now folks!

-Nicko

Conflicted

Nickoshi — Mon, 30 Aug 2010 06:59:59 +0000

In my last blog I had mentioned I was on a doctors supervised diet and have to be on one for six months… well, I am still doing that but also I have attended the required weight loss surgery seminar and tomorrow I am going to my surgeons consultation. I am very conflicted though, not because I am not sure of having weight loss surgery but because I cannot choose which one would be best for me… I am weighing the pros and cons of the lap band and the gastric bypass and both have such drastic con’s that it is hard to choose. My concerns for the Lap Band are that some people do not lose a single pound with it because it is easy to eat bad. Another thing is food that gets stuck and hurts until it gets “unstuck” I don’t want to have to swear off vegetables because they get stuck easily. Another thing is… most health insurance does NOT cover gastric banding because the insurance company views the procedure minimally helpful since the outcome (success) is so patchy… they don’t want to take a risk on a procedure that has such a low overall success rate. Now my concerns for the Gastric Bypass are MANY and they are big ones…. there are so many risks involving the procedure that it almost puts me off just thinking about it. First there is the whole dissection of stomach tubes and stuff which is risky because HELLOOOOOO your guts are not meant to be sliced and diced and rearranged… and if it goes wrong you sort of die. Secondly there is the malabsorption thing, which is nice in a way since it makes some of the food you eat unable to be made into more fat on my body but it also means that the nutrients you eat or drink are also only partially absorbed so it is easy to become deficient in a lot of your vitamins which when you read up on what these vitamins do for your body you learn that you can actually die if you get low on some of them…. serious side effects can occur if you do not get enough vitamins so they make you take a boatload of vitamins and a lot of people have to give themselves injections of B-12 a few times a week. Last there is the whole Dumping syndrome thing… sure the doctors are happy you can’t eat a candy bar but seriously, if I eat a cookie I do not want to pass out from it. So those are my major concerns about these two procedures… I know I am leaning more for the gastric bypass only because it is what they call the “gold standard” and you are guaranteed to lose on it, it is just up to you to keep it going and maintain after the honeymoon period. I have heard many horror stories about both procedures so right now im going to sleep on it and tomorrow I will have my decision written in my chart.

Weight Watchers and the dawn of… uh, weight loss?

Nickoshi — Thu, 05 Aug 2010 06:36:08 +0000

Is it possible to get full and stay full on vegitables? I think I could eat them untill I feel like im about to pop but i still “feel” hungry. I joined Weight Watchers almost 2 weeks ago and had my first weigh in on sunday, and guess what? Even though I adheared to the “plan” I gained half a pound. I of course may have overlooked those yummy martini’s my hubby made for me… shoot. But I have not went awol on my diet because I cant… I have to be on a doctor supervised diet for 6 months to have a chance at weight loss surgery.

This is kind of my last hope. I have tried Atkins, South beach, calorie restriction, fasting, diet pills, excersise (what little I can do)….and even though I have lost a moderate amount of weight with a few of these diets, they fail in the end… I gain all the weight back and then some more. I do not want to turn into my mother in law! She eats more pills than food a day it seems… diabetes has made her life hell and she has so many illnesses I cannot remember them all… I do not want to follow that road.

How do I keep up with two toddlers and run a household while being a caregiver when I feel defeated every night? I have wanted to throw in the towel and admit failure but I am now at a point where i’m going to fight, my kids deserve a mom who can walk them to the park down the street, not one who has to drive because she gets winded not even halfway there. My son is entering school soon and I think of all the things I have to do so he can grow up and be well adjusted, one of those things is to eat right… how can I show him how to eat right when I am not in control of my own eating? Time to forge ahead, I can do this, and if not for myself I will do it for my kids.

Oh ya, postage.

Nickoshi — Thu, 22 Jul 2010 07:54:34 +0000

Kittens are great… but only during daylight hours, when night falls they turn into party monsters, the only thing that is missing seems to be the keg and disco ball. We adopted a kitten recently and although it was supposed to be my husband and kids kitty as well as mine, it has sort of attached itself to me. I have never experienced such a clingy kitten, it jumps on me at the drop of a hat, when it’s on the floor and im standing up it leaps into my arms… this is one talented feline. We have an older cat I have had for almost 14 years and the kitten has made me notice how old he really is, my poor old man has grown chunky and lazy, when did that happen? I have to put him on a diet because he is eating too much, I had a self dispensing food dish but ever since he had a couple bad teeth removed he has started packing on the ounces (that’s a lot for a small built kitty).

Snickers, our new kitten

I have not been doing as much in my back yard lately, I think the heat is one part of the problem but the rest is just the daily struggle with depression. My mood swings tapered off for a while but then a couple of days ago I became angry and anxious and there was nothing I could do to relieve these symptoms, it felt so uncomfortable that finally I just started balling like a baby and wouldn’t you know it, my symptoms the next day were almost entirely gone… I guess I just needed a good cry.

I have been trying to find the perfect yellow and green eyeshadow and I have been missing the mark because either the color turns out to have very little pigment or it is just to neutral of a shade… I am on a quest to find some better eyeshadow pallets… for now I have made a few cool looks with my newer colors.

Yellow and orange

Purple and silver

green, aqua, blue and orange

That’s all for me tonight, I am one tired cookie!

-Nicko

blah blah blah

Nickoshi — Thu, 27 May 2010 07:19:37 +0000

I have not written a new blog in ages because my life has been pretty dismal and I have lacked the function of my brain because of this. Personal problems trump writing blog entries.

My mother in law is driving me batty… and several other people too! I honestly wish I were living in a cave sometimes or that I want to run away from home and hide in the wilderness. Stress, some people can deal with a lot… I wonder if I am a wimp because the stress im dealing with right now is gnarly but other people can take more. I miss my dad, I miss normalcy, I miss sleeping in… oh ya, sleep, I love sleep but do not get enough of it. Half the time I do not know what to do with myself on a daily basis unless I force myself outside to do gardening and then I can focus my mind on something besides the constant stream of thinking “baby needs to get up and eat, son needs to pick up his toys, no I have to pick them up because he needs a nap, mother in law has to be given her pills and snack, cat is meowing and needs water, what time is it, should I start dinner soon? I need to do laundry, where did my phone go?” I think in rapid bursts of nonsence usually… even though I am calm on the exterior I am always thinking, analyzing everything including motive and objective. am I smiling enough? is my talking to nurvously? am I acting normal? and the hardest thing is when I talk to someone I have to control my aversion to looking away from the person and force myself to look at there eyes which is almost to intense sometimes… I dont like that but I do it because it is normal, I think?

I love my life and my family, I do not love how hard I have to work at just existing though. I am exhausted just by thinking.

anyways that is my weird post for the month… im not going to fix the grammer or spelling, im to tired and im going to sleep.

Peace out.

-Nicko